How to make these last three contests as exciting and compelling as possible? Well, I have a hunch. I think the season's going to play out in a way that will assure shockingly high Nielson ratings, ecstasy amongst ESPN talking heads, and a death blow to all Tebow talk. Here we go:
Week 15: A call is placed to a rural Mississippi area code Saturday evening. A 40-something man looking haggard, distressed, and dissatisfied slowly moves toward his phone. It's an old Sports Illustrated football phone. Not cordless, but it's always done the job. He grabs the receiver and in a earthy drawl asks: "Who the hell is it?" A few seconds of silence. "Brett, this is Scott Pioli, the general manager of the Kansas City Chiefs." A few more seconds go by. "I've been waiting for your call," Brett responds. "I'll be at Arrowhead tomorrow morning."
While Kyle Orton sulks on the sidelines, Brett Favre somehow breathes some life into a horrible offense. He doesn't look young, but he's hanging in there, converting some key third downs and taking advantage of two straight possessions in which the Packers are forced to punt. With two minutes to go in the fourth quarter, the Chiefs get the ball and find themselves down only six points. It's clear to everyone watching that this was somehow destined to happen. Brett's last hurrah. The offense steadily moves down the field, and find themselves on the Packer 40 yard line. 35 seconds to go and one timeout remaining. Brett lines up under center, surveys the defense. Looks like cover 2. A hard count. Favre takes the snap, drops back three steps, goes through his first read, second read, then sees something out of the corner of his eye. Stevie Breaston - Brett pump fakes once, then launches a bullet. One of the fastet balls you've seen. Into triple coverage. Tramon Williams returns it for a touchdown. Final Score: Packers 37, Chiefs 24.
Week 16: Brett is distraught. This can't be happening all over again. The Chiefs granted him his release, and he boards his private Wrangler-branded jet back to Hattiesburg. He drives his pickup home and heads straight for the fridge, where he finds a 24 ounce can of Coors Light. He cracks it open and checks the answering machine. "Brett, this is Lovie Smith. I saw the game and know you still have it in you. There's a #4 jersey hung up in the locker room." Brett chugs the beer and takes off for Chicago.
Christmas day in Lambeau. He's been here before. It's cold and snowy. Brett cracks a smile. He takes the field to strange sound, the sound of 70,000 people either booing furiously, cheering ecstatically, or weeping uncontrollably, unable to process the complex emotional state they find themselves in. The Bears defense is inspired - a lot of pressure on Rodgers, and the Packers are forced to kick some first half field goals, a rare occurrence at home this year. Favre is finding Johnny Knox, and the Packer secondary is giving up a lot of yards. Bears are down only three at halftime. The second half gets crazy. Favre leads the Bears down the field on their first possession, giving them the lead. Rodgers responds, and it clearly gets personal. The lead changes 5 more times, and the Bears find themselves within striking distance, down three points with three minutes to go. Favre soaks it up - a chance to screw over that goddamn Ted Thompson and give this team its first loss, ruining all that 16-0 talk. He knows that if he had the receiving corps Rodgers did, he'd do at least as well. Sure wouldn't have lost to the Broncos in '98. Relying on the running game for a few downs, the Bears near midfield as the two minute warning hits. The atmosphere is electric. A nice slant route to Knox gets them just into field goal range. Lovie wants him to play it safe, but Favre knows what he's doing. Play action this time, with just over a minute to go. The defense bites, and Favre sees Earl Bennet's orange shoes (some of the black tape had come off during the game). Visions of Robert Brooks and Antonio Freeman pass through his head. He feels young. He feels strong. He doesn't set his feet, because he never needs to. He lets it fly. It takes off on him and is picked off by Charlie Peprah, who weaves his way through the entire Bears offense to get six points. Final Score: Packers 45, Bears 35.
Week 17: Jim Schwartz arrives at the Lions practice facility on Friday morning and sees a man in a sleeping bag blocking the entrance. He takes out his cell phone to call security, but a dirty, slightly rank-smelling Brett Favre pokes his head out. "Put the damn phone down, Jim - I'm here to save your season." Schwartz does not want this to happen. He could not think of a worse way to end the season, but he made a promise, and by God he was going to keep it. You see, long ago Jim Schwartz found himself in a bind. His Eagle Scout troop embarked on an alligator-hunting expedition in the bayous of southern Mississippi, but things went wrong. Horribly wrong. The troop became hopelessly lost, and 7 of their original 10 members had disappeared, never to be see again. Jim and his remaining comrades survived on a diet of insects and swamp plants, fending off frequent attacks by bloodthirsty bayou wildlife. The three remaining scouts were armed only with sticks and Swiss army knives. One was struck with dysentery and had to be abandoned. Another lost a battle with a bayou jackelope. Only Jim was left. Exhausted and terrified, he struggled to catch some sleep under a willow tree. A nearby rustling awoke him, and he lit his last match to see what new dangers faced him. 11 glowing eyes surrounded him, those of four normal alligators and one mutant gator with three eyes and foot-long teeth dripping with the blood of a previous victim. He grabbed his pointed stick and prepared to face his final opponent. But what was this strange rumbling coming from the distance? It grew louder and louder, as a pair of bright lights appeared in the distance. It was the largest, gaudiest monster truck Jim had ever seen, and it was coming directly toward him. The gators stared its way in shock, and started to scatter. The truck did three donuts about ten feet away, then a figure jumped out of the cabin, landing on the three-eyed beast. The mysterious truck driver ripped out the creature's throat with his bare hands, shotgunned a Bud Light, and howled into the night air. Jim recognized him - it was Southern Miss's freshman quarterback, Brett Favre. As Favre rode him into town, Jim Shwartz promised that if he could ever do anything for the wild young quarterback, he would. Now, in 2011, the time had come.
Back in Lambeau. A snowstorm. Favre throws to Calvin Johnson on every play. Rodgers throws to Jordy Nelson on every play. The fourth quarter comes to an end, and we are tied 63-63. The Lions win the coin toss and start the ball in overtime. Favre throws a 60 yard reception to Johnson, who is barely pushed out. Schwartz calls a rush. "Just get us a little closer and put it right in the middle of the hash marks," Favre hears from his coach. He shakes his head, looks toward the sideline, and pantomimes ripping out the gator's throat. "You owe me this, Jim. Remember the bayou." Schwartz understands. The Packers are covering Johnson with five defensive backs. Every other receiver is wide open. Favre throws to Johnson. It's deflected in the air and intercepted by linebacker Rod Francois. He returns it 98 yards for a touchdown. Favre moves to Argentina and is never heard from again. Final Score: Packers 70, Lions 63.
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