Packer Predictions: Weeks 15-17

How to make these last three contests as exciting and compelling as possible? Well, I have a hunch. I think the season's going to play out in a way that will assure shockingly high Nielson ratings, ecstasy amongst ESPN talking heads, and a death blow to all Tebow talk.  Here we go:

Week 15: A call is placed to a rural Mississippi area code Saturday evening. A 40-something man looking haggard, distressed, and dissatisfied slowly moves toward his phone. It's an old Sports Illustrated football phone. Not cordless, but it's always done the job. He grabs the receiver and in a earthy drawl asks: "Who the hell is it?" A few seconds of silence. "Brett, this is Scott Pioli, the general manager of the Kansas City Chiefs." A few more seconds go by. "I've been waiting for your call," Brett responds. "I'll be at Arrowhead tomorrow morning."

While Kyle Orton sulks on the sidelines, Brett Favre somehow breathes some life into a horrible offense. He doesn't look young, but he's hanging in there, converting some key third downs and taking advantage of two straight possessions in which the Packers are forced to punt. With two minutes to go in the fourth quarter, the Chiefs get the ball and find themselves down only six points. It's clear to everyone watching that this was somehow destined to happen. Brett's last hurrah. The offense steadily moves down the field, and find themselves on the Packer 40 yard line. 35 seconds to go and one timeout remaining. Brett lines up under center, surveys the defense. Looks like cover 2. A hard count. Favre takes the snap, drops back three steps, goes through his first read, second read, then sees something out of the corner of his eye. Stevie Breaston - Brett pump fakes once, then launches a bullet. One of the fastet balls you've seen. Into triple coverage. Tramon Williams returns it for a touchdown. Final Score: Packers 37, Chiefs 24.

No Soup For You, Minnesota: Donovan McNabb to be Released by Vikings

ESPN's Adam Scheftler is reporting that Donovan McNabb's reign in Minnesota is soon to be over, with the Vikings planning to release the veteran quarterback by the end of the day.

McNabb started in five games for the Vikings this year where his biggest impact to the team was promoting Vikings punter Chris Kluwe's band "Tripping Icarus" during a post-game press conference.

Happy Trails McNabb. May many songs of glory be sung about your Vikings tenure. And may they all be sung by the band "Tripping Icarus."

JTOSL Podcast Episode 3: Turkey Talk

Our GI tracts still clogged with gravy, we analyze why the Lions weren't able to give the Packers as much trouble as they should have, why the Bears lost to a team that drafts kickers in the first round, and why the Vikings stink.  Looking ahead to the coming games, Tristan doesn't have that feeling, Josh is pessimistic, and Alex thinks Kyle Orton is a "golden god."

JTOSL 112911 by Tristan Dreisbach on Mixcloud

Fear the Bears? Or Fear the Beard?

Kyle Orton is currently listed third on the Kansas City Chief's QB depth chart. This will afford drunken Bears fans the opportunity of throwing old number eighteen replica jerseys at him as soon as the first Hanie incompletion hits the Kentucky bluegrass of Soldier Field. Hanie's uneven quarterback performance has many Chicago faithful looking wistfully back at a time where the man behind center was more consistently a winner and more consistently sporting a beard on his neck.

Lay Off My Boy

"I didn't do it on porpoise!"

I've drafted several posts about the Ndamukong Suh situation--its something that clearly needs to be addressed. I've thought about several different angles. I'm irritated, as I have expressed already in the short life of this blog, that the media is spending more time talking about it than about actual football. I'm irritated that people are overreacting. I'm irritated that he made a bonehead play and really hurt our team in that game and potentially in future games if he is unable to play due to a suspension. There's really not that much else to say. I am compelled to post however, because there is one thing that nobody is saying. There is one thing I can't get past, that I would like people to remember when forming their opinions of Ndamukong Suh, a player whose personality I've never liked, but whose work ethic and professionalism off the field have never left me concerned about him as a member of the team for which I root.


Ndamukong Suh is just 24 years old. He is in his second year as a professional. How did you act in the second year of your career? You may not have kicked anybody, but you certainly made some mistakes. Suh cannot get much better physically. Most NFL players can't. The reason players get better for the first few years of their careers is because they get smarter. They gain experience. They learn. Give the kid a break. He's got a long career ahead of him.

How to Beat The Packers: Many Bothans Died To Bring you this Information

After watching the Packers dismantle the Lions on Thursday, I started to believe that they cannot be beaten. But I spent three days studying the all-22 tape, and I have figured it out. There is a small thermal exhaust port, only two meters wide, protected by a 50 kilometer trench. Turbolaser turrets protect most of the surface with a deadly hail of fire, but the far end of the trench is thinly defended. A linebacker maneuvering into the trench at this point might have a chance of surviving the run and bombing the exhaust port.

Like shootin' womp rats back home.

I Didn't Realize that NFL stood for No Flaming Orange Cleats League

NFL Roger Goodell deputized the Lions secondary to ensnare Bennett to make sure he and his orange cleats did not escape justice.

It came through the wire this week that DJ Moore would be fined $15,000 for his retaliation against Matthew Stafford, during which Moore was ejected from the game. This was only 33% more than Earl Bennett was fined for the game, whose unconscionable crime was wearing sweet non-NFL regulation kicks for the second game in a row. One could imagine that if Bennett were to wear the shoes a third time, the fine would be equivalent to what Ndamukong Suh would receive if he snaps Cam Newton's neck this Sunday in the manner of Steven Segal in those Under Siege movies.

Some other things fifteen thousand bucks can get you after the jump:

JTOSL Podcast Episode 2

Hey everyone, we're back on the mikes with our second weekly podcast.  Topics include Matt Stafford's gloves, uncharacteristic Bears consistency, Jared Allen's image, and the Los Angeles Vikings.  Listen to this while you input data at work - your productivity will skyrocket and you'll get a big raise - guaranteed.*

So press play!!!
111611 by TristanD

*This is not a guarantee.

Don't Look Gift Bears in the Mouth

After the 2008 season, the Bears traded away Kyle Orton and a wheelbarrow full of hot steaming draft pics to acquire Jay Cutler, making it the largest acquisition for the Bears at the time since Staley the Bear was drafted in the first round in 2003. Since then the Bears have had success, but has Jay Cutler?

Packer Recap: Monday Night Journal

These are the feelings I felt on Monday night:

Pregame: So a guy gives blood to make money to buy Packer tickets, which inadvertently saves his life. I think that says something about our dysfunctional healthcare system and our skewed national values, but I'm not sure what.

1st Quarter:

• Pack might have gotten away with a defensive hold on that first Vikings series.  Oh well.
• Good lord, that punt return looked easy. I think more Vikings players were blocked by their own teammates than by Green Bay.  I'm feeling alright about this game.
• Matthews and Allen both get early sacks.  Jaws says that Allen "almost invented the word sack." What?
• Driver sighting!  Great catch.  Jaws says "that's trust."  What?
• Vikings getting some pressure on Rodgers - they need to keep this up the entire game to have a chance. 
• Sweet play action to set up Jennings with the easy touchdown.  Alex asks me why you would ever respect the Packers play action. Good question.
• Huge play to Shiancoe, but Harvin pushes Tramon Williams on deep shot a couple plays later. Great coverage by Tramon. Tramon-dous coverage! Right? Right?
• Beastly play by Woodson to wrestle the ball from Shiancoe - was it an interception??? Nope, hit the ground.  Go Blue regardless.
• Vikings false start on a field goal attempt. That's unfortunate. Longer kick falls just short. Gruden is disgusted.  As usual.
• My mood after 1st Quarter: Pleasantly optimistic.

Two Different Roads to 6-3.

The donnybrook that was liberally called a football game between the Bears and Lions last afternoon left both teams at 6-3. Both teams are tied in the NFC North and if the playoffs started today both teams would be in the wildcard spots. Then why is there such a bad taste in my mouth?

Packer Predictions

Here is a handful of ill-advised predictions for tonight's Packers-Vikings game:

1. Minnesota will score at least three touchdowns.
2. Any Packers rushing touchdowns will come from Aaron Rodgers or John Kuhn, not the Green Bay halfbacks.
3. Jared Allen will get two sacks and perform at least one vaguely obscene celebration dance.
4. John Gruden will question the manliness of the Minnesota secondary.
5. Finley, Jennings, and Nelson will all have receiving touchdowns.
6. The game will be closer than I'd like, but Rodgers is Rodgers and everything will work out just fine. Pack prevails, 31-24.

The James Starks Story: More Snaps through Healthier Eating

As I mentioned in our first podcast, James Starks is now definitively the starting running back for the Green Bay Packers.  He's gotten more carries and yardage than well-compensated former 1st-stringer Ryan Grant for four straight games, although these things are all relative on a team that treats running the ball as an obsolete and irrelevant remnant of Depression-era football.  How do we explain Starks' rise to the top of the depth chart?   Was it his solid performance in the playoffs last year?  Are great practice habits winning favor with the coaches?

Nope - it's none of these. Starks has gone gluten-free.  After suffering through shoulder and hamstring injuries over the past two years in college and the NFL, a nutritionist put him on a strict low-carb, non-gluten regimen.  He put on eight pounds over the offseason, says he's feeling stronger, and is outperforming a much-hyped veteran, to the frustration of fantasy owners across the internet.  Is that worth abstaining from cinnamon raisin bagels and Belgian waffles?  Not in my book, but I don't often collide with 275 pound linebackers at work.

Grant's a competitor, however, and won't let Starks take his snaps without a fight.  If he can't outwork him on the field, hopefully he's learned that these things are decided at the dinner table - you've got to beat Starks at his own game.  What could work better than the gluten-free approach?  Some suggestions:

1. The Cabbage Soup Diet: A week of cabbage soup will do crazy things to your GI tract.  Root vegetable-fueled flatulence clears huge holes for Grant, as defensive lineman can't summon the will to fight through blockers while suppressing their gag reflexes.
2. The Paleolithic Diet: The idea here is to eat only things that our primitive ancestors ate, as roots, berries, and mammoth meat suit our bodies better than Crunchwrap Supremes.  Grant benefits by discovering a primal streak he never knew, and his brutish, uncivilized behavior suits him well on the field.  The drawbacks: receding chin, sloped brow, inability to speak beyond grunts, and insistence on wearing an orange leopard print tunic.  Basically, he'll be like Jared Allen.
3. The Master Cleanse: At least ten days of consuming only a "lemonade" made with maple syrup and cayenne pepper clears Grant's system of the nefarious toxins that made him vulnerable to leg injuries and kept him from living up to his full football potential.  Unfortunately, the side effects include headaches and loss of energy, and he barely has the energy to clap after the first huddle.

Believing Himself to be the Protagonist of Top Gun, Jim Schwartz Reports to the USS Carl Vinson

In San Diego today, both media and spectator alike were shocked by the arrival of Jim Schwartz and his Detroit Lions. Schwartz, having just made a disastrous crash landing on the deck of the regaled vessel in what appeared to be a crudely self-constructed F-14 made from items presumably gathered from behind Ford Field, emerged from the flames to say 'I heard a Michigan team is supposed to play some ball here tonight. Well, are you ready to play the most dangerous team in the sky?"

Nate Burleson, who like the rest of his teammates, arrived by charter plane was reached for comment. "I don't know man. We had Sportscenter on in the weight room and he caught the tail end of the pregame coverage and just went apeshit. He started shouting things like 'that's my sortie' and 'get me in the air'. What the hell is a sortie?" He later added, "You see that plane he flew in? He has like, two dozen of them. Made them all himself out of old lawnmower parts. He wanted us to be his wingmen. We were all like, hell no." 

Asked for Schwartz' response, Burleson shrugged. "He just looked me in the face, spat on the ground and said I was no Goose. I can't tell if that is an insult or a compliment."

Jim Schwartz tried to comfort the many wounded as the San Diego Police Department cuffed Schwartz and put in the back of the squad car by trying to break out a contrived effort for a group sing of "You Lost that Loving Feeling." Charges against the coach are still pending.

Since all the players of both Michigan State University and the University of North Carolina basketball teams were killed in the crash, the players of the Detroit Lions elected to play a shirtless game of volleyball in their stead.

Steinbeck's "The Pearl" Was About Kino's Fantasy Team

Jay Cutler had a good game the last time the Bears and Lions met. He is going to have to repeat that performance if Chicago wants to beat the Lions this week. Given the Bears' compliment of receivers, this could be a tall order. Roy Williams this season has been playing like a dog in a Bears jersey chasing a frisbee and Devin Hester has been unreliable as well. Additionally, Johnny Knox is believed to have died in the rancor pit below Mike Martz's house so that just leaves one guy.

Lions Special Teams Decimated by Big Wheel?

In the most intriguing injury to occur to a Detroit athlete since Guitar Hero kept Joel Zumaya out of the 2006 ALCS, Jason Hanson appears to have injured his knee in some sort of ATV accident. Or was it an ATV accident? When asked very directly by reporters if it was an ATV accident, Hanson replied with such dodgy responses as "To say it was an ATV, I think it conveys something that it's not. I'm not even sure what classifies as an all terrain vehicle."

Hanson continued on like this, stating that he was not "goofing around" or "acting irresponsibly" but acknowledging the possibility that some members of the organization might be calling him an idiot behind closed doors. He said he is not hiding, and "it's just that I don't feel like telling the whole story to everybody".

I'm sure it's not at all an exciting story, and Hanson is just trying to keep it low-key because he was playing with his children and wants to keep them out of the media circus, and I respect that. But more than anything in the world, people like to laugh at each other when they do dumb things and hurt themselves. That's why prohibition failed. Please, Jason Hanson, release these home videos!!

What was really going on? The only reasonable specualtion I have heard is that he was riding his sons' big wheel, and is entertaining the ATV talk just to be clever.

On an hilarious side note, Lions's punter Ryan Donahue injured his quad placekicking at practice in Hanson's absence. The Lions have worked out punters and kickers in the event that either Hanson or Donahue is unable to play Sunday against the Bears. Among those worked out: the farmer in the dell, the old lady who swallowed a fly.

Cutler Finally Cracks the Top Five in Something Unrelated to Sacks or Interceptions

Earlier this week, Tom Van Riper of Forbes.com released results of a Nielson E-Poll that put Jay Cutler in the top five "Most Disliked Players" in the NFL. This poll puts Cutler in the illustrious company of Michael Vick (dog-fighting), Ben Roethlisberger (alleged bathroom rapist), Plaxico Burress (wears sweatpants to the club) and Albert Haynesworth (the first walrus to play in the NFL).

There are a lot of people who aren't a fan of Cutler, I understand that , but I think it's a little unfair to put him in the same conversation with the players mentioned above (maybe they are getting mixed up after google image searching him). After the jump, here are some NFL personalities I believe should have made the list and bumped Cutler out of the top five. I'm not going to limit it to just players, because, well, why the hell should I.

A 2011 First-Half Retrospective

We're now more than halfway through the NFL season and I think it's a perfect time to look back at a few of the best games from the NFC North so far this season. Here's a few of my favorites.

Sunday, 10/16: San Francisco 49ers @ Detroit Lions

A game was played.

After the game, 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh executed one of the most incredible slap-push-handshake combinations ever seen in the NFL, disrupting Lions' coach Jim Schwartz's legendary concentration. Harbaugh showed off his speed and headed for the tunnel but Schwartz found a second gear and chased him down. Some excellent blocking by a San Francsico PR guy allowed Harbaugh to get free and take it to the house. The national media, proving they are elite when it comes to adding the word 'gate' to things, immediately dubbed the event "handshakegate" and spared everyone the horrible memories of the 6-point margin of victory, the extraordinary performance of the 49ers defense, and Frank Gore running like a wild wild man.

Sunday, 10/30: Detroit Lions @ Denver Broncos

A game was played.

Fortunately, before the game, the national media had come up with a name for kneeling down and praying ("Tebowing", after a marginal quarterback who happens to love Jesus). In two separate instances, Detroit Lions players Tebowed mockingly, allowing fans everywhere to discuss whether or not Stephen Tulloch hates babies, Tony Scheffler is an agent of Lucifer (which would explain his incredible celebration abilities), and whether it was okay to poke fun at Timmy T under any circumstances. The game led the Lions into the bye week, which otherwise could have led to conversations about Stafford's nearly flawless game, the complicated blitz looks Lions' Defensive Coordinator Gunther Cunningham put together, or the emergence of rookie wide receiver Titus Young. Close call on that one.

Monday, 11/7: Chicago Bears @ Philadelphia Eagles

A game was played.

Chicago Bears's wide receiver Earl Bennet wore orange shoes, which is INSANE, right?? At the time, I barely noticed because in his first game back with the team since Week 2, he posted 5 catches for 95 yards and a TD, providing Jay Cutler his best weapon in an incredibly close game featuring two of the NFC's most exciting running backs. But fortunately, the NFL made sure to fine Bennett $5,000 for his shoes, and we can all go back to talking about what he was wearing, and what Kristin Cavalleri is tweeting about Jay Cutler's ass.

J.T. O'Sullivan Lives - Episode 1

A new podcast is born today.  We discuss all the hippest happenings in the NFC North.  Why do we hate Jay Cutler?  Is Aaron Rodgers close to surpassing a certain former Packer QB in the hearts and minds of Packer Backers everywhere?  Are the Lions actually playing in the most important game of the week?
JT OSullivan Lives Episode 1 110811
Just press play and let our mellifluous blabberings envelop you.