As I mentioned in our
first podcast, James Starks is now definitively the starting running back for the Green Bay Packers. He's gotten more carries and yardage than well-compensated former 1st-stringer Ryan Grant for four straight games, although these things are all relative on a team that treats running the ball as an obsolete and irrelevant remnant of Depression-era football. How do we explain Starks' rise to the top of the depth chart? Was it his solid performance in the playoffs last year? Are great practice habits winning favor with the coaches?
Nope - it's none of these.
Starks has gone gluten-free. After suffering through shoulder and hamstring injuries over the past two years in college and the NFL, a nutritionist put him on a strict low-carb, non-gluten regimen. He put on eight pounds over the offseason, says he's feeling stronger, and is outperforming a much-hyped veteran, to the frustration of fantasy owners across the internet. Is that worth abstaining from cinnamon raisin bagels and Belgian waffles? Not in my book, but I don't often collide with 275 pound linebackers at work.
Grant's a competitor, however, and won't let Starks take his snaps without a fight. If he can't outwork him on the field, hopefully he's learned that these things are decided at the dinner table - you've got to beat Starks at his own game. What could work better than the gluten-free approach? Some suggestions:
- The Cabbage Soup Diet: A week of cabbage soup will do crazy things to your GI tract. Root vegetable-fueled flatulence clears huge holes for Grant, as defensive lineman can't summon the will to fight through blockers while suppressing their gag reflexes.
- The Paleolithic Diet: The idea here is to eat only things that our primitive ancestors ate, as roots, berries, and mammoth meat suit our bodies better than Crunchwrap Supremes. Grant benefits by discovering a primal streak he never knew, and his brutish, uncivilized behavior suits him well on the field. The drawbacks: receding chin, sloped brow, inability to speak beyond grunts, and insistence on wearing an orange leopard print tunic. Basically, he'll be like Jared Allen.
- The Master Cleanse: At least ten days of consuming only a "lemonade" made with maple syrup and cayenne pepper clears Grant's system of the nefarious toxins that made him vulnerable to leg injuries and kept him from living up to his full football potential. Unfortunately, the side effects include headaches and loss of energy, and he barely has the energy to clap after the first huddle.
