How to Beat The Packers: Many Bothans Died To Bring you this Information

After watching the Packers dismantle the Lions on Thursday, I started to believe that they cannot be beaten. But I spent three days studying the all-22 tape, and I have figured it out. There is a small thermal exhaust port, only two meters wide, protected by a 50 kilometer trench. Turbolaser turrets protect most of the surface with a deadly hail of fire, but the far end of the trench is thinly defended. A linebacker maneuvering into the trench at this point might have a chance of surviving the run and bombing the exhaust port.

Like shootin' womp rats back home.

I Didn't Realize that NFL stood for No Flaming Orange Cleats League

NFL Roger Goodell deputized the Lions secondary to ensnare Bennett to make sure he and his orange cleats did not escape justice.

It came through the wire this week that DJ Moore would be fined $15,000 for his retaliation against Matthew Stafford, during which Moore was ejected from the game. This was only 33% more than Earl Bennett was fined for the game, whose unconscionable crime was wearing sweet non-NFL regulation kicks for the second game in a row. One could imagine that if Bennett were to wear the shoes a third time, the fine would be equivalent to what Ndamukong Suh would receive if he snaps Cam Newton's neck this Sunday in the manner of Steven Segal in those Under Siege movies.

Some other things fifteen thousand bucks can get you after the jump:

JTOSL Podcast Episode 2

Hey everyone, we're back on the mikes with our second weekly podcast.  Topics include Matt Stafford's gloves, uncharacteristic Bears consistency, Jared Allen's image, and the Los Angeles Vikings.  Listen to this while you input data at work - your productivity will skyrocket and you'll get a big raise - guaranteed.*

So press play!!!
111611 by TristanD

*This is not a guarantee.

Don't Look Gift Bears in the Mouth

After the 2008 season, the Bears traded away Kyle Orton and a wheelbarrow full of hot steaming draft pics to acquire Jay Cutler, making it the largest acquisition for the Bears at the time since Staley the Bear was drafted in the first round in 2003. Since then the Bears have had success, but has Jay Cutler?

Packer Recap: Monday Night Journal

These are the feelings I felt on Monday night:

Pregame: So a guy gives blood to make money to buy Packer tickets, which inadvertently saves his life. I think that says something about our dysfunctional healthcare system and our skewed national values, but I'm not sure what.

1st Quarter:

• Pack might have gotten away with a defensive hold on that first Vikings series.  Oh well.
• Good lord, that punt return looked easy. I think more Vikings players were blocked by their own teammates than by Green Bay.  I'm feeling alright about this game.
• Matthews and Allen both get early sacks.  Jaws says that Allen "almost invented the word sack." What?
• Driver sighting!  Great catch.  Jaws says "that's trust."  What?
• Vikings getting some pressure on Rodgers - they need to keep this up the entire game to have a chance. 
• Sweet play action to set up Jennings with the easy touchdown.  Alex asks me why you would ever respect the Packers play action. Good question.
• Huge play to Shiancoe, but Harvin pushes Tramon Williams on deep shot a couple plays later. Great coverage by Tramon. Tramon-dous coverage! Right? Right?
• Beastly play by Woodson to wrestle the ball from Shiancoe - was it an interception??? Nope, hit the ground.  Go Blue regardless.
• Vikings false start on a field goal attempt. That's unfortunate. Longer kick falls just short. Gruden is disgusted.  As usual.
• My mood after 1st Quarter: Pleasantly optimistic.

Two Different Roads to 6-3.

The donnybrook that was liberally called a football game between the Bears and Lions last afternoon left both teams at 6-3. Both teams are tied in the NFC North and if the playoffs started today both teams would be in the wildcard spots. Then why is there such a bad taste in my mouth?

Packer Predictions

Here is a handful of ill-advised predictions for tonight's Packers-Vikings game:

1. Minnesota will score at least three touchdowns.
2. Any Packers rushing touchdowns will come from Aaron Rodgers or John Kuhn, not the Green Bay halfbacks.
3. Jared Allen will get two sacks and perform at least one vaguely obscene celebration dance.
4. John Gruden will question the manliness of the Minnesota secondary.
5. Finley, Jennings, and Nelson will all have receiving touchdowns.
6. The game will be closer than I'd like, but Rodgers is Rodgers and everything will work out just fine. Pack prevails, 31-24.